Nearly bankrupt, a fortune cookie manufacturer decided to improve its product. Instead of a bland vanilla cracker, it was now a delectable vanilla biscuit. However, it was such a high-fat dessert that people called it the “four-chin” cookie.

So many infants are bottle-fed these days that, for the few who actually get breast-fed, it’s a real teat!

“Never, ever set foot on the neighbor’s farm during planting season,” she said to her daughter. “That’s a seedy area.”

I can’t imagine why anyone, even a moustachioed villain, would tie a damsel to railroad tracks. One can only assume that he has a loco motive!

“What would you say,” he asked his roommate, “if you found me collapsed in a corner of the basement, drunk as a blind fish, with a half-empty bottle of Welch’s grape juice in my lap?”

“That’s a big ‘if,’” his buddy replied, “so I’d say that’s hypathetic!”

I have never seen a priest at an investment bank in vestments.

While writing The Hunchback of Notre-Dame, Victor Hugo tried to help the French National Police solve a murder. However, they asked him to stop when he declared, for the hundredth time, “This clue rings a bell, and I have a hunch it'll crack the case!”

“I see myself as an artist,” said the mechanic. “A car tunist, if you will.”

whail [whale + wail]: n. the cry of a whale.

“Marine biologists are frequently teased by archaeologists because they are easily moved to tears by whails.”

“What do you think of this brown?” a man asked his wife, pointing to one of many cans of paint on the hardware store shelf.

She thought for a moment, then answered, “Compared to the darker shades and the beiges, this one seems mediochre.”

drinkle [drink + wrinkle]: n. a facial wrinkle caused by years of excessive alcohol consumption.

“She used to be the hottest freshman at every kegger, but now she’s the most drinkled sophomore at the off-campus dive.”

Why did the panda file a lawsuit?

He had been bamboozled!

How much sex do nuns have?

Nun!

A biker and his girlfriend hopped onto their motorcycle’s leather seat. They were both dressed in leather boots, leather pants, leather jackets, leather gloves, and leather hats. As the biker jerked his leg up to straddle the growling machine, he tore his pants. Embarrassed, he sat motionless and silent for a minute or so. “What are you waiting for?” asked his oblivious girlfriend. “Leather rip!”

Why did the witch put too much eye of newt in the cauldron?

She didn’t know which unit of measurement to use: pint or gram!

ouchdown [touchdown - t]: n. in American football, a touchdown scored by the team you're not cheering (or playing) for.

“According to legend, the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers invented the ouchdown.”

Why should you always pick up your dog’s poo?

A policeman will give you a ticket if feces you leave it there!

Why was the smoker so embarassed in the auditorium?

She couldn’t stop coffin during a lung speech about the fatal dangers of smoking.

How can you get logs from a tree?

Just axe it for some!

How do snowmen get around?

They ride bicicles!

Comedy is a lot like driving: you have to know how to change gears. You can’t be a comedian if you can’t handle a schtick shift.

"Do you really have to be so loud at the dinner table?" Daniel asked his boisterous family. His brother answered:

"It ain't din-din without a din, Dan!"

2011 is the Year of the Rabbit, according to the Chinese Zodiac. Ironically, it is not a leap year.

After it was shut down, the old insane asylum was turned into a museum, which now displays countless objects of hysterical significance.

“I’m sorry I lied about being a prince,” croaked a frog to the girl who kissed him. “Can you frogive me?”