“My wife cries so much when she listens to opera, I call it ragtime!”

Why do prostitutes always think it’s Wednesday?

Never underguesstimate your frenemies!

“Now you’ve met every member of the gang,” said the biker.

“Thanks for introducing me,” said the recruit as he hopped onto his motorcycle. “But I do have one question: Is Harley David’s son?”

“Gay marriage is impossible,” the elderly gentleman said. “No matter how fabulously gay the wedding is, the marriage itself is always miserable!”

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What does a monkey’s ghost eat?

Boo-nanas!

A hobo walks into a saloon and says, “Gimme a shot.”

The bartender says, “A shot o’ what?”

The hobo says, “A shot of anything.”

So the bartender shoots him.

“I think that dessert got me sick,” said Everett Flanagan. “I’ll never eat flan again!”

If there’s a war on drugs, why aren’t the police shooting the drugs?

Whenever someone says my jokes stink, I say, “Shut up, you stupid, dumb dummy. You can’t smell a joke!”

I recommend taking your driving test in the red-light district. Down there, you get extra credit for rear-ending.

Why did the Chinese food restaurant hire a kung fu master?

So he could chop sticks in half to make chopsticks!

“Would you like some soup?” the chef asked his friend.

“I’m not hungry,” she replied. “Maybe a little ladle.”

“Everyone thinks I said Björk sucks,” he said. “But why would I slander a fellow Icelander?”

"That lake is literally crappy," he told his fishing buddy. "I went there with a net, and all I caught was a bass turd!"

Some women get so much collagen plumping that they need lip-osuction.

"This car is junk, Roy. I thought you said you drive a Rolls-Royce."

"I do. It rolls, and it's Roy's!"

The casserole tasted like castor oil, so I just ate a Kaiser roll.

Speaking before you think is pretarded.

“They say that ethnic women have bigger breasts,” she said. “And I guess they’re right. Mine are a T!”

Seeing himself in a mirror for the first time, an ugly hermit grunted, “Whoa! Is Me!”

What do lumberjacks drink at the end of a long, hard day of logging?

Lager!

I went to Chinatown for an iguana and got a great deal at Li Pin Lizards.

He was supposed to be at the shop making shoes with his wife, but she caught him in the basement making gloves with another woman.

A shrink tried to teach her precocious son about Freud, but he was just a little too much on the Jung side.

“I’m thinking of painting this room magenta.”

“I don’t know if fuchsia do that.”

“You know that I come from a very traditional family,” said Melanie to her fiancé. “I cant elope, honey. Do you still love me?”

What did the carpenter and her friends do during her bachelorette party?

They stripped a Chippendale furniture set!

What do you call a puddle of dog diarrhea?

A poo-dle!

[Special thanks to Erin and Zoe for helping me to edit this masterpiece.]